Kicking Down the Firewall: Part 1: The Cognitive Dissonance of Stereotypes vs Identity
Chapter 1: I'm Royally Fucked
So... hi me! remember how you're gender queer and autistic? Well you're even more so than you thought and you've been hiding it for your protection but it conflicted with how you apply your identity.
Yes, there are girl astronauts, and you were born a girl, but you're a little genderqueer and you've never seen any genderqueer astronauts have you? Who knows? maybe some of them were hiding their queerness just like you.
Maybe you keep feeling like you have to hide things about yourself whether or not society accepts them (in part or in whole), because they would be added factors of separation from the norm along with your pre-existing deviancies!
I mean imagine having to handle the cognitive dissonance between being autistic, genderqueer, gay, and agnostic, along with non-stereotyped versions of all of those? Also, those were the traits you were born with, you only came into your own when you had a safe outlet to express them.
For example: you weren't born a Buddhist, but your agnosticism helped.
Example 2: you weren't born non-binary but you always knew that being born a girl didn't feel right.
So, you knew girls could be astronauts, but you didn’t know that gay girls, or trans girls, or trans guys could be astronauts too (they can). To this day you’re still not sure if someone can be a ballerina and an astronaut, or a flute player and a basketball player, or a mathematician and a comedian, or a fashion designer and a marine biologist (who works in swamps) because of prejudicial stereotypes that run in a similar vein to the flawed gender construct.
Conclusion: Surely you shouldn't be hard on yourself for not learning some things like math and science because you don't have an outlet for them, you find them slightly interesting but you're afraid of grappling with learning science and math because grappling with other things like being trans in a transphobic environment conflicted with your feeling of safety, not to mention that many skills we learn in life bring dissonance to our identity.
Maybe because you want to be a ballerina or ice skater or equestrian you feel pressure to act like a stereotypical ballerina. It's okay, you can be a trans ballerina who likes math! But now that you know this, you have a lot of developmental catching up to do, and this daunting task is why you have said to yourself: "I'm Royally Fucked"!
The world (me included) is catching up, even if slowly, and even if there's a backlash from certain quarters (and age groups). Time is on your side. I'm not going to claim to understand on a deep level some of the feelings you mention, although having a good friend and colleague with an autistic, non-binary child (I mean child as in offspring, not child as in you're still a child), of I think around the same age as you, not to mention a number of students I have in my classroom, I'm learning more and trying my best to make the world an easier place to be for everyone, no matter how they identify, and my general feeling is that, within the next decade and long into the future, normalisation will seap into society (as it should, because there's nothing abnormal about any of these things!).